Every four years or so, whether I need to or not, I get sick. It's the kind of sick that starts out feeling like allergies, then ends up feeling like I was the slowest guy at the Running of the Bulls. Right about now, I can feel the bulls' breath on my back, and I'm slowing down. I've been going non-stop for a couple weeks now, and my body is finally pushing back.
As you know, I'm a bachelor. What that means is that everybody in the world figures they know infinitely more about dealing with sickness than I do. I know to take Airborne, drink lots of fluids, get plenty of rest, and...well, I guess that's about all I know. Maybe everybody is right.
I have a fever, and that's somewhat disturbing. It's disturbing because I checked my temperature with a meat thermometer (orally, of course). Perhaps the most troubling part of that is that my temperature was 89.1 degrees. I figured my temperature wasn't actually that low, and my hunch was confirmed when I purchased an actual thermometer at Walgreen's. But I got worried about my meat thermometer. When your meat thermometer is almost 13 degrees low, you stand a pretty good chance of dying from salmonella. Then I was further troubled that I was more concerned over the temperature of chicken than I was about my own body's temperature. But I shouldn't be surprised.
Being somewhat of a moron about these things, one of my strongest lines of defense against a cold is the cough drop. A cough drop lasts no more than 10 minutes, but if you're asleep, they could last until the end of time. I always get nervous that I'm going to choke on my cough drop and die before I even wake up. So when I have a cough drop in, my sleep is kind of tentative. I took a nap yesterday and was having a dream that my tooth was falling out, so naturally I tried to chew it up. I awoke in a panic to find myself viciously chomping on my cough drop. I wasn't that scared though, because I was being protected by LeBron James, Britney Spears, and their army of sword-fighting horse-dragons. As if my dreams weren't weird enough already, I have to go and add medication.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do. Maybe I'll see a doctor, but I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor for being sick...I think I was actually in college. I have Advil Cold & Sinus and that's helping some. I would make chicken noodle soup, but I'm not sure my new thermometer will work for chicken, and I sure don't trust my meat thermometer anymore.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Friday, April 30, 2010
Why GM Shouldn't have Gotten Bailout Money
Quick question for you: What's the difference between Dave Creamer and a Chevy Cobalt?
Answer: One is about 265 pounds, slow and ugly. The other one is writing this blog.
I'm on the road for work right now, and I have a rental car. In case you don't know, I work for a non-profit (we do lots of great things for kids, you should give us money...ask me how. Thanks for reading), so I'm very budget-conscious in both my personal and professional life. So when I needed a rental car to drive to Helena, I thought I would try the "Intermediate" class at Enterprise.
I got nervous when I walked into Enterprise and the manager, Doc, said, "Hey Luke, does the Cobalt have a full tank?"
Oh crap, I thought. First of all, I knew what a Cobalt was, and I knew I wasn't going to fit very comfortably. Second, he said "THE Cobalt", as if it was their cute little mascot. It makes me think it has been sitting there for a few years.
Luke responded with a confused look on his face. "I don't know, why?"
Oh crap. I said, "you don't have anything bigger, do you?"
Being asked two questions at virtually the same time, Doc politely said, "Just go make sure it's full and bring it around front". Without a pause, he turned to me and said "Dude, you know I always upgrade you for free, but this is all I've got".
I had noticed that there were no other cars of any size on the lot when I pulled up, so there wasn't much to say. I would take the car and be happy. Before I even got in, I could tell that Snoop Dogg and a skunk shared the car last. I think we all know that skunk-smoking-pot smell. I was in for a long day.
I guess I assumed "Intermediate" and "Mid-size" were the same thing. They both kind of mean middle, right? Apparently not. Size-wise, it's much smaller than what I would consider intermediate. I can't believe people drive cars smaller than this. And they do, because there are still economy AND compact cars that are apparently smaller. I'm not sure I understand.
If you've never seen a Chevy Cobalt, I'll let you know what it looks like. Take a permanent marker and draw four tires on a peanut M&M, then imagine it was just a tiny bit bigger. Then imagine it's being driven by a guy who is almost the same size. I'm like the peanut.
But even as uncomfortable as the size was for me, I was mostly blown away by the lack of features available on this particular vehicle. I didn't think they made junk like this anymore. I don't know the last time I had to manually roll a window up and down. And you wouldn't believe how inconvenient it is to lock four doors one at a time. I got out of the car and tried to lock it with the remote, which did not exist. Then I opened the door and tried to push a button to lock them. No dice. Like a Neanderthal, I had to literally get back in the car and reach around to every door and lock them all. Somebody needs to tell kids these days that this is how their ancestors had to lock their doors. That's way worse than walking 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. And don't get me started on unlocking! I actually couldn't remember how to unlock a door without a remote for a second.
I understand they're trying to keep the car cheap, but I've never owned a car all that nice, and at least they have cruise control and power windows. How much could that cost? And is it that expensive of a feature to have blinkers that turn off after you make a turn? I had to manually adjust the passenger-side mirror, but at least that was within easy reach from the driver's side.
Nice work, Chevrolet. No wonder you needed government money. That was a big mistake, and if you don't believe me, go drive a Cobalt.
Answer: One is about 265 pounds, slow and ugly. The other one is writing this blog.
I'm on the road for work right now, and I have a rental car. In case you don't know, I work for a non-profit (we do lots of great things for kids, you should give us money...ask me how. Thanks for reading), so I'm very budget-conscious in both my personal and professional life. So when I needed a rental car to drive to Helena, I thought I would try the "Intermediate" class at Enterprise.
I got nervous when I walked into Enterprise and the manager, Doc, said, "Hey Luke, does the Cobalt have a full tank?"
Oh crap, I thought. First of all, I knew what a Cobalt was, and I knew I wasn't going to fit very comfortably. Second, he said "THE Cobalt", as if it was their cute little mascot. It makes me think it has been sitting there for a few years.
Luke responded with a confused look on his face. "I don't know, why?"
Oh crap. I said, "you don't have anything bigger, do you?"
Being asked two questions at virtually the same time, Doc politely said, "Just go make sure it's full and bring it around front". Without a pause, he turned to me and said "Dude, you know I always upgrade you for free, but this is all I've got".
I had noticed that there were no other cars of any size on the lot when I pulled up, so there wasn't much to say. I would take the car and be happy. Before I even got in, I could tell that Snoop Dogg and a skunk shared the car last. I think we all know that skunk-smoking-pot smell. I was in for a long day.
I guess I assumed "Intermediate" and "Mid-size" were the same thing. They both kind of mean middle, right? Apparently not. Size-wise, it's much smaller than what I would consider intermediate. I can't believe people drive cars smaller than this. And they do, because there are still economy AND compact cars that are apparently smaller. I'm not sure I understand.
If you've never seen a Chevy Cobalt, I'll let you know what it looks like. Take a permanent marker and draw four tires on a peanut M&M, then imagine it was just a tiny bit bigger. Then imagine it's being driven by a guy who is almost the same size. I'm like the peanut.
But even as uncomfortable as the size was for me, I was mostly blown away by the lack of features available on this particular vehicle. I didn't think they made junk like this anymore. I don't know the last time I had to manually roll a window up and down. And you wouldn't believe how inconvenient it is to lock four doors one at a time. I got out of the car and tried to lock it with the remote, which did not exist. Then I opened the door and tried to push a button to lock them. No dice. Like a Neanderthal, I had to literally get back in the car and reach around to every door and lock them all. Somebody needs to tell kids these days that this is how their ancestors had to lock their doors. That's way worse than walking 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways. And don't get me started on unlocking! I actually couldn't remember how to unlock a door without a remote for a second.
I understand they're trying to keep the car cheap, but I've never owned a car all that nice, and at least they have cruise control and power windows. How much could that cost? And is it that expensive of a feature to have blinkers that turn off after you make a turn? I had to manually adjust the passenger-side mirror, but at least that was within easy reach from the driver's side.
Nice work, Chevrolet. No wonder you needed government money. That was a big mistake, and if you don't believe me, go drive a Cobalt.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Words cannot describe, but youtube can
I recently wrote about infomercials on this blog (read it again here). There are a lot of great things about watching infomercials, but without question, the best part is when they show the poor idiots who desperately need the products they're about to introduce. From milk spilled all over the kitchen to violent and sudden backaches, we all have these catastrophic events that ruin our lives.
This video montage of the best images from humanity's most helpless is a highlight reel of laughs. This is what I was trying to write about in the blog, but the video clip does it way more justice. I hope you feel better about yourself after watching it. It's therapeutic, like going to WalMart.
This video montage of the best images from humanity's most helpless is a highlight reel of laughs. This is what I was trying to write about in the blog, but the video clip does it way more justice. I hope you feel better about yourself after watching it. It's therapeutic, like going to WalMart.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
More Workout Etiquette
A couple of months ago, I wrote about how I'd like to see things go at the gym. Among other things, I wanted people to dress appropriately (especially depending on their age and physical condition), to be clean when they go work out, and not to talk to me. I got some great feedback and saw a little bit more myself, so here's Volume 2. You can read the first one here.
I was at the gym yesterday and saw something I thought just wasn't really happening. The weather has been great, so most of my town must be working out outside...or maybe just drinking on somebody's patio. But there was a girl who came in and got set up on an elliptical machine. She was wearing all velour and had beautiful blond hair with the roots dyed black. She sat on the floor for a moment before she boarded the machine, and when she got to her feet, she had her laptop in hand. She placed it on the magazine holder and walked for a few minutes. I figured she was just reading a website, so I didn't think much of it.
But when she got off the elliptical and carried her computer to every other machine she used, I started thinking she might not be all there. As I got closer, I saw that she was in the middle of a video chat with her boyfriend...or at least I'm assuming he's her boyfriend. Even when she was on the leg press machine, she held the computer so the webcam was facing her and this guy could watch her go up and down. I thought about just walking over and kissing her right in front of the webcam, but I kept thinking of reasons that was a terrible idea...and none of them included that such an act would be mean. I dated a girl once who needed that kind of attention. For about a minute.
Video chatting is not something I would have ever thought needed to be banned from the gym. It's like saying you can't bring a rhinoceros with you on a roller coaster. You just can't think of everything, nor should you need to.
Here are some additions a few people made to my list of do's and don't's for the gym:
Shani said: "no farting at the gym...there's little worse than being nasally assaulted while breathing hard...My gym has a 'no cellphones' sign, they should have a 'no farting' sign too." I only toot privately, thank you very much. My conscience is clear.
Cory said: "No one cares you are about to set your own PR of 385 on the bench. Please do not walk around the gym slapping yourself in the face and psyching yourself up before the attempt." Seriously.
Jill doesn't want you "sitting on the weight machine for 10 minutes trying to work up the strength to do another set." And neither do I.
And finally, Rachael reminded me that I completely forgot about locker room etiquette. "Even though it is acceptable to be completely nude, DO NOT bend over and show everyone your goods...from both sides." I know how bad that is in the men's locker room. I can only imagine how bad it could be next door.
Rachael's comment reminded me that I've always been troubled by the (usually quite old) men who sit on the furniture completely naked for long periods of time (or any period of time, for that matter), watching TV. Fortunately my gym now has brown pleather chairs that can be wiped down and disinfected, but I'm not taking any chances.
And I hate to mention this last point, because the guy who violates this is much larger than I am. But he probably can't read anyway, so I'm good. If you can leg press over 1300 pounds, you might as well stop lifting. You probably can't wear pants other than your sweet Zubaz, so let's quit. What bugs me about it, besides him telling everybody around what he's doing, is that he has just about every free weight in the room on the machine so he can get the weight he needs. Now I'm loading 20 of the five-pound weights on each end of the bar for my bench-press, and people are looking at me like I'm the idiot.
Oh well, I guess if people weren't doing these things, I wouldn't have anything to complain about.
I was at the gym yesterday and saw something I thought just wasn't really happening. The weather has been great, so most of my town must be working out outside...or maybe just drinking on somebody's patio. But there was a girl who came in and got set up on an elliptical machine. She was wearing all velour and had beautiful blond hair with the roots dyed black. She sat on the floor for a moment before she boarded the machine, and when she got to her feet, she had her laptop in hand. She placed it on the magazine holder and walked for a few minutes. I figured she was just reading a website, so I didn't think much of it.
But when she got off the elliptical and carried her computer to every other machine she used, I started thinking she might not be all there. As I got closer, I saw that she was in the middle of a video chat with her boyfriend...or at least I'm assuming he's her boyfriend. Even when she was on the leg press machine, she held the computer so the webcam was facing her and this guy could watch her go up and down. I thought about just walking over and kissing her right in front of the webcam, but I kept thinking of reasons that was a terrible idea...and none of them included that such an act would be mean. I dated a girl once who needed that kind of attention. For about a minute.
Video chatting is not something I would have ever thought needed to be banned from the gym. It's like saying you can't bring a rhinoceros with you on a roller coaster. You just can't think of everything, nor should you need to.
Here are some additions a few people made to my list of do's and don't's for the gym:
Shani said: "no farting at the gym...there's little worse than being nasally assaulted while breathing hard...My gym has a 'no cellphones' sign, they should have a 'no farting' sign too." I only toot privately, thank you very much. My conscience is clear.
Cory said: "No one cares you are about to set your own PR of 385 on the bench. Please do not walk around the gym slapping yourself in the face and psyching yourself up before the attempt." Seriously.
Jill doesn't want you "sitting on the weight machine for 10 minutes trying to work up the strength to do another set." And neither do I.
And finally, Rachael reminded me that I completely forgot about locker room etiquette. "Even though it is acceptable to be completely nude, DO NOT bend over and show everyone your goods...from both sides." I know how bad that is in the men's locker room. I can only imagine how bad it could be next door.
Rachael's comment reminded me that I've always been troubled by the (usually quite old) men who sit on the furniture completely naked for long periods of time (or any period of time, for that matter), watching TV. Fortunately my gym now has brown pleather chairs that can be wiped down and disinfected, but I'm not taking any chances.
And I hate to mention this last point, because the guy who violates this is much larger than I am. But he probably can't read anyway, so I'm good. If you can leg press over 1300 pounds, you might as well stop lifting. You probably can't wear pants other than your sweet Zubaz, so let's quit. What bugs me about it, besides him telling everybody around what he's doing, is that he has just about every free weight in the room on the machine so he can get the weight he needs. Now I'm loading 20 of the five-pound weights on each end of the bar for my bench-press, and people are looking at me like I'm the idiot.
Oh well, I guess if people weren't doing these things, I wouldn't have anything to complain about.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Pack your bags, kids! We're taking a vacation to a field!
We all have at least a couple of locales in mind for where we'd like to take our ultimate vacation. For me it starts with Europe and South America, then I can tone it down depending on how much I'm willing (or able) to spend. When money is a little tighter, maybe I'll go see family in Georgia and the Carolinas, or friends in Arizona, or maybe I'd even stay here in Montana and see more of Yellowstone or Glacier Parks. There are plenty of great places to see here in the U.S. One thing that should be noted, however, is that not all places here on the Mainland are worth the effort.
As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with Joakim Noah. Noah plays for the Chicago Bulls, and they are playing the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA playoffs. In a pre-game interview, he said Cleveland "really sucks", to which the residents of Cleveland responded with respectful disagreement. I'm only saying it was respectful because they didn't kill him. Then after the game, he didn't back down from his comments, basically asking people if they had ever planned a vacation to Cleveland. I can't imagine even the Mayor of Cleveland listening to that interview and saying anything other than "you know, the big ugly guy has a good point".
That all happened last night. Today, I saw an advertisement on Facebook that said "PLAN YOUR ND VACATION". My first thought was, "surely they don't mean North Dakota. Maybe they mean New Delhi," I reasoned. "Or maybe that stands for 'Nebraska Dumpsters'. Even that makes a little more sense."
But I clicked on the ad, and to my disbelief, it was for the North Dakota Department of Tourism. That doesn't seem right to me. Being from a neighboring state, I have never once considered North Dakota a vacation destination. Idaho, Washington, Wyoming...they're enough like Montana, and maybe you'd want to go there to go whitewater rafting or skiing. But nobody goes to North Dakota. You go there when you have to drive to Minnesota, and even then you're trying to get to the other side as quickly as possible. So the fact that North Dakota even has a Tourism Department just doesn't make sense. They might as well have a Deep Sea Fishing Department.
I'm not like Joakim Noah; I don't think North Dakota sucks...necessarily. I've known a lot of great people from North Dakota. But beyond that, I'm a little surprised anybody lives there. Even though I live less than 100 miles from the Canadian border, I've never felt cold like I've felt in North Dakota. A North Dakota summer is uncomfortably hot, and this is coming from a guy who survived a few summers in Phoenix. And there are 17 trees in the whole state, so don't go looking for shade. I won't even talk about the giant mosquitoes or oppressive wind. Wait, maybe I just did.
So on this website, you can see the attractions to North Dakota. Both of them. Surprisingly, they haven't embraced what they're known for. There's nothing on the site saying "Experience the coldest, strongest wind man has ever known", or "See the longest, straightest, flattest road in the Universe." There's a plug for their ski hill, which has a vertical drop of 290 feet. I'm not exaggerating. Big Sky Resort here in Montana has a vertical drop of 4,350 feet. That's not a knock against North Dakota, I'm just saying I've seen oceans that aren't as flat as North Dakota.
The website clams that North Dakota was "Named by AAA to be America's Most Affordable Vacation State". Wow, that's really surprising. I would have thought camping in the middle of a field and skiing down a 290 foot drop would cost a fortune! Thanks North Dakota!
So I'd like to officially wish the Director of Tourism for North Dakota the best of luck. There can't be a tougher job in all the world.
As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with Joakim Noah. Noah plays for the Chicago Bulls, and they are playing the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA playoffs. In a pre-game interview, he said Cleveland "really sucks", to which the residents of Cleveland responded with respectful disagreement. I'm only saying it was respectful because they didn't kill him. Then after the game, he didn't back down from his comments, basically asking people if they had ever planned a vacation to Cleveland. I can't imagine even the Mayor of Cleveland listening to that interview and saying anything other than "you know, the big ugly guy has a good point".
That all happened last night. Today, I saw an advertisement on Facebook that said "PLAN YOUR ND VACATION". My first thought was, "surely they don't mean North Dakota. Maybe they mean New Delhi," I reasoned. "Or maybe that stands for 'Nebraska Dumpsters'. Even that makes a little more sense."
But I clicked on the ad, and to my disbelief, it was for the North Dakota Department of Tourism. That doesn't seem right to me. Being from a neighboring state, I have never once considered North Dakota a vacation destination. Idaho, Washington, Wyoming...they're enough like Montana, and maybe you'd want to go there to go whitewater rafting or skiing. But nobody goes to North Dakota. You go there when you have to drive to Minnesota, and even then you're trying to get to the other side as quickly as possible. So the fact that North Dakota even has a Tourism Department just doesn't make sense. They might as well have a Deep Sea Fishing Department.
I'm not like Joakim Noah; I don't think North Dakota sucks...necessarily. I've known a lot of great people from North Dakota. But beyond that, I'm a little surprised anybody lives there. Even though I live less than 100 miles from the Canadian border, I've never felt cold like I've felt in North Dakota. A North Dakota summer is uncomfortably hot, and this is coming from a guy who survived a few summers in Phoenix. And there are 17 trees in the whole state, so don't go looking for shade. I won't even talk about the giant mosquitoes or oppressive wind. Wait, maybe I just did.
So on this website, you can see the attractions to North Dakota. Both of them. Surprisingly, they haven't embraced what they're known for. There's nothing on the site saying "Experience the coldest, strongest wind man has ever known", or "See the longest, straightest, flattest road in the Universe." There's a plug for their ski hill, which has a vertical drop of 290 feet. I'm not exaggerating. Big Sky Resort here in Montana has a vertical drop of 4,350 feet. That's not a knock against North Dakota, I'm just saying I've seen oceans that aren't as flat as North Dakota.
The website clams that North Dakota was "Named by AAA to be America's Most Affordable Vacation State". Wow, that's really surprising. I would have thought camping in the middle of a field and skiing down a 290 foot drop would cost a fortune! Thanks North Dakota!
So I'd like to officially wish the Director of Tourism for North Dakota the best of luck. There can't be a tougher job in all the world.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Apology Accepted, Big Ben! You're the Best!
We heard another attempt at an apology yesterday on SportsCenter. It seems like we are hearing these about once a week these days. The latest was Steelers' Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, apologizing for being involved in a sex scandal with a 20-year-old college student in Milledgeville, GA. He also thanked the Baldwin County Sheriff's Office for losing the security tapes at the bar...I mean, for the extensive and conclusive investigation.
Can we just stop being surprised when professional athletes do this stuff? It's like being surprised when a dog eats a steak that you left on the floor, or not expecting your car to get stolen when you leave it running in a bad part of town. I'm not saying it's okay, I'm just saying it's bound to happen when we treat these people like gods. It's easy for a guy like me to say you shouldn't sleep with every woman you meet, but that's probably because I don't have beautiful women throwing themselves at me, one after another. Just kidding, yeah I do. I was just being modest.
So now that we know this is going to keep happening, I think I might start a new side-business as a speech writer. Is anybody putting any thought into these speeches? They're all pretty much the same thing. In fact, I think you can find them on Microsoft Word in the Templates section called "Professional Athlete Apology".
In these speeches, you need to start out by saying you won't answer any specific questions, then thank your attorneys and the "Justice" system. Next, apologize to your team, your city, your league, and especially your fans. But don't apologize for what you did, apologize for the distraction that this caused. After that, assure everyone that you will be working harder than ever to prove to your teammates and your fans that you will be a great teammate and an even better role model from here on out. Finish the speech by thanking everyone listening and by thanking God.
With your content taken care of, it's now time to focus on the delivery. Based on Big Ben's model, you want to show up with the greasiest, most white-trash haircut you can think of. And if you think a mullet is the right haircut, you just don't know white trash. He had his greasy hair slicked back and hanging down to his neck, dripping vegetable oil onto the collar of his shirt. He didn't shave either. I'm sure even the blue-collar Pittsburgh fans thought he looked like a slob. I would imagine the Stinky Pines Trailer Court in Western PA was abuzz yesterday afternoon with talk about how badly Big Ben needed to use a Terrible Towel to start to clean himself up. When you actually start reading your speech, try as hard as you can to make it sound just like a fifth-grader reading his book report on Superfudge. That makes it sound way more sincere.
Here's what went down. Roethlisberger and his posse were in Milledgeville, GA. I can only speculate as to why they were in a suburb of a suburb of Macon, but I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that they were out trying to find Big Ben some new "No Fear" and "Big Johnson" shirts. After a long day of shopping, they all went clubbing, where they met up with some really drunk women and posed for a picture with a Milledgeville Police Officer. One of the girls, a 20-year-old, was especially drunk, and one of Ben's bodyguards escorted her down a hallway to a small bathroom. Big Ben took over from there and was gone for a few minutes. More than likely, he was just smiling politely while she insisted she never drank this much, because she was a good Southern girl. She later made accusations of sexual assault, and the cop doing the initial investigation was the one who posed in the picture with Big Ben. You can go ahead and draw your own conclusions, but would you let him around your sister? Because as you can see, Ben is a good guy who acts like a mature millionaire should act.
I don't expect him to be perfect. I don't even expect him to be a good guy, even though I'd like to see it. I'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't be so shocked when these guys start hooking up with every woman who either flirts with them or gets black-out drunk around them.
On a related note, it was nice to see Phil Mickelson win the Masters the other day.
Can we just stop being surprised when professional athletes do this stuff? It's like being surprised when a dog eats a steak that you left on the floor, or not expecting your car to get stolen when you leave it running in a bad part of town. I'm not saying it's okay, I'm just saying it's bound to happen when we treat these people like gods. It's easy for a guy like me to say you shouldn't sleep with every woman you meet, but that's probably because I don't have beautiful women throwing themselves at me, one after another. Just kidding, yeah I do. I was just being modest.
So now that we know this is going to keep happening, I think I might start a new side-business as a speech writer. Is anybody putting any thought into these speeches? They're all pretty much the same thing. In fact, I think you can find them on Microsoft Word in the Templates section called "Professional Athlete Apology".
In these speeches, you need to start out by saying you won't answer any specific questions, then thank your attorneys and the "Justice" system. Next, apologize to your team, your city, your league, and especially your fans. But don't apologize for what you did, apologize for the distraction that this caused. After that, assure everyone that you will be working harder than ever to prove to your teammates and your fans that you will be a great teammate and an even better role model from here on out. Finish the speech by thanking everyone listening and by thanking God.
With your content taken care of, it's now time to focus on the delivery. Based on Big Ben's model, you want to show up with the greasiest, most white-trash haircut you can think of. And if you think a mullet is the right haircut, you just don't know white trash. He had his greasy hair slicked back and hanging down to his neck, dripping vegetable oil onto the collar of his shirt. He didn't shave either. I'm sure even the blue-collar Pittsburgh fans thought he looked like a slob. I would imagine the Stinky Pines Trailer Court in Western PA was abuzz yesterday afternoon with talk about how badly Big Ben needed to use a Terrible Towel to start to clean himself up. When you actually start reading your speech, try as hard as you can to make it sound just like a fifth-grader reading his book report on Superfudge. That makes it sound way more sincere.
Here's what went down. Roethlisberger and his posse were in Milledgeville, GA. I can only speculate as to why they were in a suburb of a suburb of Macon, but I'd say it's a pretty safe bet that they were out trying to find Big Ben some new "No Fear" and "Big Johnson" shirts. After a long day of shopping, they all went clubbing, where they met up with some really drunk women and posed for a picture with a Milledgeville Police Officer. One of the girls, a 20-year-old, was especially drunk, and one of Ben's bodyguards escorted her down a hallway to a small bathroom. Big Ben took over from there and was gone for a few minutes. More than likely, he was just smiling politely while she insisted she never drank this much, because she was a good Southern girl. She later made accusations of sexual assault, and the cop doing the initial investigation was the one who posed in the picture with Big Ben. You can go ahead and draw your own conclusions, but would you let him around your sister? Because as you can see, Ben is a good guy who acts like a mature millionaire should act.
I don't expect him to be perfect. I don't even expect him to be a good guy, even though I'd like to see it. I'm just saying that maybe we shouldn't be so shocked when these guys start hooking up with every woman who either flirts with them or gets black-out drunk around them.
On a related note, it was nice to see Phil Mickelson win the Masters the other day.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
You're bad at Facebook. Here's how to be worse.
In today's culture, trends don't last as long as fresh fruit. You better jump on the bandwagon quickly, otherwise you'll almost certainly miss it. By these standards, Facebook is really old. What was once such a great social tool has become something many of us hate, but can't quite bring ourselves to get rid of.
Facebook itself hasn't done anything to get worse, but now that seemingly every person on Earth has a page and can share their boring life with the rest of us, it's become terribly annoying. If you have a Facebook page, it's your fault. You have screwed this up for me. I know I could just quit Facebook altogether and never have to worry about this, but I'm not willing to do that just yet.
So I'm going to give you some pointers on how to make me hate Facebook so much that maybe I'll finally just be able to quit entirely.
Status Updates
Updating your status is an excellent way to get the word out about something or just call attention to yourself. There are a lot of ways to do this poorly. Unfortunately this is what everybody sees when they check their own Facebook page. Avoiding this entirely is tough. Many people over-share, while others under-share while still giving frequent updates. Either way, make sure you use poor grammar and use as little punctuation as possible.
We all know somebody who posts about once an hour what they're doing. I can't imagine anybody who is cool enough to have anybody care what they're doing every waking hour. But we've all seen it.
"Buzz Quimby is eating at Subway again lol"
"Buzz Quimby just saw a cloud that looks like a sloppy joe"
"Buzz Quimby is watching Rugrats LOL"
You know what I'm talking about.
Under-sharing could be a great thing, especially when you have a few friends that over-share. But these are still putting themselves out there. Facebook should be renamed "Vaguebook" for these people.
"Trixi Stickley is over it"
"Trixi Stickley is wondering..."
"Trixi Stickley is thinking about somebody ;)"
Clearly the motive here is to have people comment and say "Tell us more, Trixi!" Thankfully there's a quick and easy way to delete friends for those of us who really don't care.
Another thing you need to start doing is telling me just how drunk you got last night (or are now). It's one thing if you're in college or maybe a couple years out, but for most of the rest of us, we should probably keep some things to ourselves.
Wall Posts
This is a good way to quickly contact a friend without having to commit to an hours-long phone call because you haven't talked to them in several years. Again, there are lots of ways to get my eyes rolling, so keep these things up.
If you like something, you can only truly show your affection for it by saying "love" three times in a row. "OMG I love, love, love your new Crocs they are so pretty and green and plastic yay lolz!"
And if you miss someone, admit it--you don't really miss them, you miss their face. So tell them like it is. "I miss ur face call me soon puh-leeeeeeazzzzzzzzze!"
Photos
Facebook is a great way for us to show photos that are important to us. Years ago, people carried pictures in their wallet. Now we can show pictures of our families to everyone via Facebook, but let's face it, we just want to show pictures of ourselves. Here are some things to make sure you do next time you post pictures.
Flex your muscles in the bathroom mirror.
Give gang signs. This includes the scissors, or sideways peace sign, the West-Side "W", and the rocker. This is super-awesome.
Ladies, make that kissing face. Guys see "she wants to make out with me", but you're just thinking "my cheeks don't look as fat when I do this."
Also, take the strategic self-portrait from up above. For some reason you never see girls in turtlenecks taking this photo. Oddly enough, it's only done while wearing a low-cut shirt. The view of Cleveland is always best from up above, if you know what I mean.
Post every picture from your latest outing. And I mean every one. Even if you have 23 pictures in a row of the same thing, post them all. And let us see the blurry ones too. Those are the best ones.
Games
I'm only on Facebook so I can see how you're doing on Farmville or Mafia Wars. Your page should look like a trophy case. I want to know everything that's happening in your life of virtual organized-crime. Please invite me to play your game with you every chance you get.
Fan Pages
Facebook is a great way to show the world what you're interested in. You can "become a fan" of certain things. You can show people you're a fan of a restaurant or a band or a university. But what's really nice is that you can become a fan of things like "Texting the person next to you stuff you can't say out loud" or "Texting while laying down on your back and dropping your phone on your face".
Quite a few people are only on Facebook so that they can promote their business. I understand that and don't have a problem with it. But if I'm going to hate Facebook forever, you need to keep asking me over and over to become a fan of your business, even after I've rejected the request multiple times. Now that I think about it, ever since you got an expensive camera, you're a tremendous artist, and I want to show the world that I support your photography business.
-----------------------
I'm sure I do plenty on Facebok that people hate. There's nothing worse than somebody who tells their friends to go see their blog or look at pictures of their new nephew. If you don't like me anyway, I guess you don't care about those things. If that's the case, you have my permission to delete me from your list.
This is all my fault. Being on Facebook for a few years has made me irritable. I, like most other ornery people, don't like change very much. But I'd like to know if I'm all alone here. Let me know what bugs you about Facebook, and maybe I'll have to issue an updated version.
Facebook itself hasn't done anything to get worse, but now that seemingly every person on Earth has a page and can share their boring life with the rest of us, it's become terribly annoying. If you have a Facebook page, it's your fault. You have screwed this up for me. I know I could just quit Facebook altogether and never have to worry about this, but I'm not willing to do that just yet.
So I'm going to give you some pointers on how to make me hate Facebook so much that maybe I'll finally just be able to quit entirely.
Status Updates
Updating your status is an excellent way to get the word out about something or just call attention to yourself. There are a lot of ways to do this poorly. Unfortunately this is what everybody sees when they check their own Facebook page. Avoiding this entirely is tough. Many people over-share, while others under-share while still giving frequent updates. Either way, make sure you use poor grammar and use as little punctuation as possible.
We all know somebody who posts about once an hour what they're doing. I can't imagine anybody who is cool enough to have anybody care what they're doing every waking hour. But we've all seen it.
"Buzz Quimby is eating at Subway again lol"
"Buzz Quimby just saw a cloud that looks like a sloppy joe"
"Buzz Quimby is watching Rugrats LOL"
You know what I'm talking about.
Under-sharing could be a great thing, especially when you have a few friends that over-share. But these are still putting themselves out there. Facebook should be renamed "Vaguebook" for these people.
"Trixi Stickley is over it"
"Trixi Stickley is wondering..."
"Trixi Stickley is thinking about somebody ;)"
Clearly the motive here is to have people comment and say "Tell us more, Trixi!" Thankfully there's a quick and easy way to delete friends for those of us who really don't care.
Another thing you need to start doing is telling me just how drunk you got last night (or are now). It's one thing if you're in college or maybe a couple years out, but for most of the rest of us, we should probably keep some things to ourselves.
Wall Posts
This is a good way to quickly contact a friend without having to commit to an hours-long phone call because you haven't talked to them in several years. Again, there are lots of ways to get my eyes rolling, so keep these things up.
If you like something, you can only truly show your affection for it by saying "love" three times in a row. "OMG I love, love, love your new Crocs they are so pretty and green and plastic yay lolz!"
And if you miss someone, admit it--you don't really miss them, you miss their face. So tell them like it is. "I miss ur face call me soon puh-leeeeeeazzzzzzzzze!"
Photos
Facebook is a great way for us to show photos that are important to us. Years ago, people carried pictures in their wallet. Now we can show pictures of our families to everyone via Facebook, but let's face it, we just want to show pictures of ourselves. Here are some things to make sure you do next time you post pictures.
Flex your muscles in the bathroom mirror.
Give gang signs. This includes the scissors, or sideways peace sign, the West-Side "W", and the rocker. This is super-awesome.
Ladies, make that kissing face. Guys see "she wants to make out with me", but you're just thinking "my cheeks don't look as fat when I do this."
Also, take the strategic self-portrait from up above. For some reason you never see girls in turtlenecks taking this photo. Oddly enough, it's only done while wearing a low-cut shirt. The view of Cleveland is always best from up above, if you know what I mean.
Post every picture from your latest outing. And I mean every one. Even if you have 23 pictures in a row of the same thing, post them all. And let us see the blurry ones too. Those are the best ones.
Games
I'm only on Facebook so I can see how you're doing on Farmville or Mafia Wars. Your page should look like a trophy case. I want to know everything that's happening in your life of virtual organized-crime. Please invite me to play your game with you every chance you get.
Fan Pages
Facebook is a great way to show the world what you're interested in. You can "become a fan" of certain things. You can show people you're a fan of a restaurant or a band or a university. But what's really nice is that you can become a fan of things like "Texting the person next to you stuff you can't say out loud" or "Texting while laying down on your back and dropping your phone on your face".
Quite a few people are only on Facebook so that they can promote their business. I understand that and don't have a problem with it. But if I'm going to hate Facebook forever, you need to keep asking me over and over to become a fan of your business, even after I've rejected the request multiple times. Now that I think about it, ever since you got an expensive camera, you're a tremendous artist, and I want to show the world that I support your photography business.
-----------------------
I'm sure I do plenty on Facebok that people hate. There's nothing worse than somebody who tells their friends to go see their blog or look at pictures of their new nephew. If you don't like me anyway, I guess you don't care about those things. If that's the case, you have my permission to delete me from your list.
This is all my fault. Being on Facebook for a few years has made me irritable. I, like most other ornery people, don't like change very much. But I'd like to know if I'm all alone here. Let me know what bugs you about Facebook, and maybe I'll have to issue an updated version.
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