"Hey Bro, Do You Think Everybody Would Hate Us if we did Some Sick Ollies on the Sidewalk?"

I saw a kid fall off a skateboard today when I was walking out of a Starbucks, and I have to say it kind of made my day.

A group of four or five middle-school-aged kids (or maybe they were in college...I can't tell anymore) were inside Starbucks when I walked in.  One of the kids--I think he was named Timmy--was actually on his skateboard in the coffee shop, and they were all talking very loudly and calling attention to themselves.  By the time I went outside, Timmy and his gang had moved outside to the sidewalk, where they were pulling off some pretty sick moves where their wheels almost left the ground.

After weaving my way through X-Games 2016, I got to my car and turned around just in time to see Timmy get a little too close to the curb.  The skateboard went left and Timmy went straight down.  He landed squarely on his backside and his skateboard eventually made its way to the street and got run over by a Suburban.  Halfway through a seven-hour drive, I suddenly had a newfound energy, and I hadn't even touched my americano.

There's nothing wrong with skateboarding, but the chip on the shoulder of skateboarders is tough to stomach.  Skateboarders think everybody hates them because skateboarding is such an evil activity.  Actually, people hate them because they insist on skating in front of Starbucks and at the Post Office.  Skateboarding should be performed at designated skateboarding venues only, and those should be in every community.

Skateboarders don't want to hear that there's nothing wrong with their favorite sport.  They love the idea that the whole world is against them and that they're bugging everybody sitting on the patio at Starbucks.  Most people outgrow this attitude, but the ones who don't suddenly wake up one day and they're 42 and hooked on Red Bull, video games and Maxim Magazine.  

See, nobody hates fly-fishermen, but if they were casting in the parking lot at the Sizzler and hooking all the fine patrons of that lovely restaurant, Eddie Bauer would sell T-shirts that said "FLY FISHING IS NOT A CRIME".  Or who hates jockeys?  Nobody, that's who.  You have to love a tiny guy on a fast horse, but if they were riding their horses on the sidewalk and playing that awful horseback-riding music at all hours of the night, they'd be public enemy number one.

But these people respect boundaries and understand where they are supposed to carry out their hobbies.  Come on, skateboarders...lose the attitude and go to your local skate park.  Be great at skateboarding there, and don't invite the rest of society to hate you.  That's not that cool.

I Like Everything

I see I've been writing about once a month lately. That's not real good, so for the four of you who read this regularly, I'm sorry about that. For the rest of you, you're welcome. But that's not what this post is about.

I have written about facebook before. Facebook bugs me in a lot of ways, and it's not generally facebook itself, it's the people who use facebook. I guess that's pretty much everybody these days. But I'm not going to quit using it, even though I'm seldom using it to its full extent. I check facebook fairly regularly on my cell phone, and fairly, uhh, irregularly on an actual computer.

When you check your facebook on a computer, there is so much more information presented to you. The mobile version of facebook fails (I'll consider it a success) to inform you of some requests, like every friend you have trying to get you to join their cause for abused ostriches in Madagascar or become a fan of their favorite coffee shop in a remote corner of their favorite vacation spot in northern Saskachewan. For the record, I don't care. But that's not what this post is about either. Stick with me.

I got on the computer today and checked my facebook, and my attention was drawn to the right-side column where you are reminded to connect with old friends and to help them be less popular than they are. Facebook also recommends people you may know. This can be convenient if you're like me and don't generally go actively looking for people to be friends with. Turns out that's not what this post is about either. I'm a mess.

It's been recommended to me, apparently by some higher power, to "like" certain things, based on other things I "like" on facebook.  I have chosen to "like" on facebook a comedian that I actually like in real life named Brian Regan.  So now I get recommendations for things like "CHURCH OF JESUS CHRIST OF LATTER DAY SAINTS", because "Many who like Brian Regan like this".  By the same rationale I should also like Sarah Palin and Mitt Romney.  I wonder how many people no longer like Brian Regan because they assume they have been put into these demographic categories.

I "like" Chick-fil-A, and not just because my sister Marianne (whom I love) works in their corporate offices, but because I'm a pig.  But facebook seems to think that because I "like" Chick-fil-A, I should like Pop Tarts, Starburst, and Lil' Wayne. 

One of my favorite bands, the Avett Brothers, suckered me into a "like" as well.  As an Avett Brothers fan, I should like Barack Obama and camping.  Maybe facebook is right.  Maybe I should become a Mormon and spend more time enjoying the political right AND left while camping and listening to my favorite tracks by Lil' Wayne and the Avett Brothers.  Nice work facebook, you dummies.  I guess it's not just your users who bother me.

But about those users.  This whole "like" thing got me wondering if people just decided to tell Planet Facebook about every little thing they were appreciative of.  Sarcastically, I typed "breathing" in the Search bar.  Six different pages came up with a total of about a quarter million fans.  Another necessity for human life is eating.  Apparently 1.5 Million people on facebook agree and think they should clarify that to their friends by actually joining a group.

The old saying, "it's better to be silent and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt", doesn't really work anymore.  Now we have facebook to broadcast to vast numbers of people just how dumb we are, and we never have to say a word.

Yep, Soccer's Still Boring

When I got home from work, I turned on the TV to see highlights of the World Cup.  The World Cup is great, because I'm a sucker for international competition.  It's like the Olympics plus the Super Bowl--make that the Olympics times the Super Bowl--all rolled into one month-long tournament.  Americans seem as excited as ever about this year's Cup, but it doesn't even begin to compare to how much the rest of the World is losing its mind over the most popular game on the planet.

But as I watch the highlights of today's games, I'm struck by just how boring this sport really is to me.  Soccer fans, I know you're already mad at me.  You're saying, "Dave, you just don't understand soccer!" and "It's the most popular game in the World, how is that boring?"  Well, buckle up, because I'm going to tell you why I'm not wrong.  Write about why you're not wrong in your own blog.  Or just wait until the World Cup is over, because you know most of you are only soccer fans when the rest of the country starts to care about it.  You're like Michael Jackson fans; nobody had cared about him since 1995 until he died.

In two games today, there were two goals scored.  Total.  Those were the big highlights.  But we also sat on the edge  of our seats when one guy hit a post with his shot, and another one got a red card.  I understand soccer just enough.  I grew up playing soccer, plus I understand hockey and basketball, and the concepts are pretty much the same.  You push up or your press or you forecheck.  You draw the defense in, you go aggressively to the goal or to the basket.  But a soccer field (I don't want to call it a pitch) is bigger than a football field, and so it takes forever for plays to develop.  It's a fun game to play, but then again, so is every other sport I've ever played.

And don't get me wrong, I can appreciate how athletic soccer players are.  They have to be fit, and their balance and coordination have to be incredible.  Add to that that they can't touch the ball with their hands, and it makes for quite a challenging sport, but just because something is hard doesn't mean it's exciting to watch.  The Sunday Crossword puzzle is tough, but nobody wants to watch somebody work on it.

Is there a sport in America that more kids play than soccer?  We all play it, then when we turn eight and discover baseball and football, we quit.  Is that because we don't understand soccer?  We don't understand baseball or football when we start, but most of us would rather play them.  Hockey isn't a popular sport in most of this country like it is in Canada, but I'd argue that's because we don't grow up playing hockey.  Find somebody who has played hockey who doesn't still like it.  Hockey is fun to play and it's fun to watch.  There's a little more scoring usually, because there are a lot more scoring opportunities.  It moves faster.  Plus there are fights.

The biggest argument I always hear from soccer fans is the one about it being the World's favorite sport.  Have you ever considered the fact that the rest of the World likes soccer because they didn't know about baseball and football when they turned eight?  Or maybe they're all smarter than us.  Maybe Americans are too dumb to understand soccer.  

This is one dumb American who will be a big soccer fan as long as the American team is still alive, and significantly less of one for the rest of the Cup after we get eliminated.  I'll still be interested, because of the spectacle of it all.  One thing I can't argue with is the passion of the fans.  We have nothing that compares.  Sure, we have some pretty nutty football and basketball fans, but that's limited to certain places.  Soccer fans are crazy everywhere, and those things that sound like bee hives are pretty cool too.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch a game this weekend.  You'll see.

The LOST Conspiracy

There is one TV show I have to watch every single week.  I've never missed an episode, and if it takes me more than 24 hours to catch up on my DVR, I might go nuts.  I got hooked on LOST a few years ago, because I got tricked into thinking it was about survival, but now I know I'm just one of millions of people who are being laughed at by the creators of this show.

In its first couple of seasons, LOST showed us a few glimpses of odd things that just didn't make sense, but ever since then it's gotten progressively weirder.  For the last few years, I've resisted admitting that one of my favorite shows was Science Fiction.  But now I can't help but admit it.

I don't like Science Fiction.  I like shows/movies/books that can be explained by logic, or at least humor.  Similarly, I don't like Romantic Comedies, as they lack both of those elements, but I digress.  If you like Sci-Fi, you should like LOST.  If you don't, but like LOST anyway, you need to come to the realization, like I did, that LOST is an elaborate attempt to turn normal people like you and me into Sci-Fi fans.  It's a conspiracy.  I don't like it one bit, and you shouldn't either.  Start chain emails, and make sure your parents are on them.  They love emails about conspiracies, so this will turbo-charge our message.

If you are a Sci-Fi fan, please don't take this personally.  I'm not saying I'm any better than you, just considerably less of a dork.  And that should be okay.

Back to LOST.  There's little argument that it's a Science-Fiction show.  It has a black smoke monster, uncontrolled time travel, alternate realities, and (mostly) beautiful people who can't act.  If they had told us a few years back that these were major parts of the show, nobody would have watched.  For three years, we thought it was all about the Oceanic 815 survivors and The Others.  We were duped.

Go back and watch a few episodes in Seasons Two or Three.  Knowing what you know now, was there any relevance to these?  Sure, there were key points that needed to be made, but each season could have easily been two or three hours long until the last two.  LOST's creators sent us on a four-year wild-goose-chase.  Do you know what it's like to be tricked and taken advantage of?  I don't like it...and there's nothing I can do about it.  There's nothing I can do, because I'm hooked.

Some people have expressed their dismay over the fact that LOST will be over soon.  I, for one, can't wait.  It's like I'm suffering from an addiction.  Addicts get to the point where they no longer love that to which they are addicted.  They can't wait for it to be out of their lives forever, but they also can't wait for their next fix.  It's not a drug that satisfies me, it's answers.  I watch LOST because I want to be done with it.  I hate LOST and the control it has over my life.

What do you love about LOST?  Do you love the mystery, or do you love something else about it?  Maybe you love Sawyer's clever little one-liners.  Maybe you love the way Hurley says "Dude" and "like" more than any real human ever has.  Or maybe you love the over-dramatic acting or music.  My guess is you're in it for the mystery.  So don't be sad when LOST is over.  We can happily bury this awful show and hopefully never be hoodwinked again.

Update from the Sick Bed

Every four years or so, whether I need to or not, I get sick.  It's the kind of sick that starts out feeling like allergies, then ends up feeling like I was the slowest guy at the Running of the Bulls.  Right about now, I can feel the bulls' breath on my back, and I'm slowing down.  I've been going non-stop for a couple weeks now, and my body is finally pushing back.

As you know, I'm a bachelor.  What that means is that everybody in the world figures they know infinitely more about dealing with sickness than I do.  I know to take Airborne, drink lots of fluids, get plenty of rest, and...well, I guess that's about all I know.  Maybe everybody is right.

I have a fever, and that's somewhat disturbing.  It's disturbing because I checked my temperature with a meat thermometer (orally, of course).  Perhaps the most troubling part of that is that my temperature was 89.1 degrees.  I figured my temperature wasn't actually that low, and my hunch was confirmed when I purchased an actual thermometer at Walgreen's.  But I got worried about my meat thermometer.  When your meat thermometer is almost 13 degrees low, you stand a pretty good chance of dying from salmonella.  Then I was further troubled that I was more concerned over the temperature of chicken than I was about my own body's temperature.  But I shouldn't be surprised.

Being somewhat of a moron about these things, one of my strongest lines of defense against a cold is the cough drop.  A cough drop lasts no more than 10 minutes, but if you're asleep, they could last until the end of time.  I always get nervous that I'm going to choke on my cough drop and die before I even wake up.  So when I have a cough drop in, my sleep is kind of tentative.  I took a nap yesterday and was having a dream that my tooth was falling out, so naturally I tried to chew it up.  I awoke in a panic to find myself viciously chomping on my cough drop.  I wasn't that scared though, because I was being protected by LeBron James, Britney Spears, and their army of sword-fighting horse-dragons.  As if my dreams weren't weird enough already, I have to go and add medication.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Maybe I'll see a doctor, but I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor for being sick...I think I was actually in college.  I have Advil Cold & Sinus and that's helping some.  I would make chicken noodle soup, but I'm not sure my new thermometer will work for chicken, and I sure don't trust my meat thermometer anymore.

Why GM Shouldn't have Gotten Bailout Money

Quick question for you:  What's the difference between Dave Creamer and a Chevy Cobalt?

Answer:  One is about 265 pounds, slow and ugly.  The other one is writing this blog.

I'm on the road for work right now, and I have a rental car.  In case you don't know, I work for a non-profit (we do lots of great things for kids, you should give us money...ask me how.  Thanks for reading), so I'm very budget-conscious in both my personal and professional life.  So when I needed a rental car to drive to Helena, I thought I would try the "Intermediate" class at Enterprise.

I got nervous when I walked into Enterprise and the manager, Doc, said, "Hey Luke, does the Cobalt have a full tank?"

Oh crap, I thought.  First of all, I knew what a Cobalt was, and I knew I wasn't going to fit very comfortably. Second, he said "THE Cobalt", as if it was their cute little mascot.  It makes me think it has been sitting there for a few years.

Luke responded with a confused look on his face.  "I don't know, why?"

Oh crap.  I said, "you don't have anything bigger, do you?"

Being asked two questions at virtually the same time, Doc politely said, "Just go make sure it's full and bring it around front".  Without a pause, he turned to me and said "Dude, you know I always upgrade you for free, but this is all I've got".

I had noticed that there were no other cars of any size on the lot when I pulled up, so there wasn't much to say.  I would take the car and be happy.  Before I even got in, I could tell that Snoop Dogg and a skunk shared the car last.  I think we all know that skunk-smoking-pot smell.  I was in for a long day.

I guess I assumed "Intermediate" and "Mid-size" were the same thing.  They both kind of mean middle, right?  Apparently not.  Size-wise, it's much smaller than what I would consider intermediate.  I can't believe people drive cars smaller than this.  And they do, because there are still economy AND compact cars that are apparently smaller.  I'm not sure I understand.

If you've never seen a Chevy Cobalt, I'll let you know what it looks like.  Take a permanent marker and draw four tires on a peanut M&M, then imagine it was just a tiny bit bigger.  Then imagine it's being driven by a guy who is almost the same size.  I'm like the peanut.

But even as uncomfortable as the size was for me, I was mostly blown away by the lack of features available on this particular vehicle.  I didn't think they made junk like this anymore.  I don't know the last time I had to manually roll a window up and down.  And you wouldn't believe how inconvenient it is to lock four doors one at a time.  I got out of the car and tried to lock it with the remote, which did not exist.  Then I opened the door and tried to push a button to lock them.  No dice.  Like a Neanderthal, I had to literally get back in the car and reach around to every door and lock them all.  Somebody needs to tell kids these days that this is how their ancestors had to lock their doors.  That's way worse than walking 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways.  And don't get me started on unlocking!  I actually couldn't remember how to unlock a door without a remote for a second.

I understand they're trying to keep the car cheap, but I've never owned a car all that nice, and at least they have cruise control and power windows.  How much could that cost?  And is it that expensive of a feature to have blinkers that turn off after you make a turn?  I had to manually adjust the passenger-side mirror, but at least that was within easy reach from the driver's side.

Nice work, Chevrolet.  No wonder you needed government money.  That was a big mistake, and if you don't believe me, go drive a Cobalt.

Words cannot describe, but youtube can

I recently wrote about infomercials on this blog (read it again here).  There are a lot of great things about watching infomercials, but without question, the best part is when they show the poor idiots who desperately need the products they're about to introduce.  From milk spilled all over the kitchen to violent and sudden backaches, we all have these catastrophic events that ruin our lives.

This video montage of the best images from humanity's most helpless is a highlight reel of laughs.  This is what I was trying to write about in the blog, but the video clip does it way more justice.  I hope you feel better about yourself after watching it.  It's therapeutic, like going to WalMart.