Tuesday, May 1, 2012

I Need a Hero

Hey folks. Been a while. Sorry about that. I do this every year or so, but this time I'm not going to expect myself to write frequent blog posts. So since I'm not expecting it, you'd be kind of dumb to expect it out of me. Not that you're dumb...well, I know a few of you are. Anyway, I digress. My attention span probably has an awful lot to do with why I don't write more often. I just hope I can make it all the way through this post without changing the subject.

I don't really watch all that much TV. I've found I enjoy sleeping far more. But right now the NBA Playoffs are on, so I've planted myself in front of the TV a few times in the last week. As you know if you've read some of my other blogs, I really like making fun of bad commercials (See this post from a couple of years ago). But maybe they're not bad commercials. Maybe it's brilliant marketing and we're all just idiots. I'm afraid it's the latter more than the former.

Tonight during one of the games, I saw a commercial that left me speechless. Domino's Pizza apparently has a deal that has so many morbidly obese Americans eating their pizza that they need more pizza chefs. Yes, they call them chefs. Like the people who go to culinary school. How insulting is that to actual chefs, by the way? You might as well call the fat guy who throws his Big Mac wrapper into the garbage can an NBA player.

What happens when you don't have enough people to make the greasy, processed sustenance we Americans depend on? You look for a savior--a hero, if you will. So Domino's is scanning the globe, looking for heroes--Pizza Heroes. I'm not making this up. See?

Here's the deal, says Domino's. You buy one of our crappy pizzas, we'll let you download an app on your iPad that allows you to simulate this minimum wage job. Then, if you're good enough at the simulation, you get rewarded. Your reward isn't cash, or a vacation, or free pizza for a year, or a day with a celebrity. No, it's way better than that. We'll give you the privilege of working at Domino's, making pizzas. We'll call you a chef. If you're not good at the simulation--if you're a loser--you get a chance at a decent job.

It's not surprising that these jobs are tough to fill, but I thought we had enough meth addicts to keep doing jobs like this. Apparently not. Maybe the war on drugs is working after all. And seriously, if you can afford an iPad, you're probably not looking for work in the kitchen at Domino's.

Seems to me the reward for doing something well should something relatively valuable, glamorous, or even unattainable, not something that's exactly the opposite of that. I'd like to see kids of the people who came up with this idea.

"Billy, if you're good, I'll let you clean the kitchen."

"You're the worst mom ever! I wish I was never born! I'm not doing anything you say!"

"That's it, William. I've had enough of your attitude young man! You're getting extra allowance, and that's final!"