The Best Bracket Ever, Part 4

This finishes up the first round of basketball action in Laci's bracket pool. I should charge people for these picks.

1-Duke Blue Devils
16-Arkansas Pine Bluff Golden Lions/Winthrop Eagles

"Does Duke have to play two teams? Oh my gosh, they must be really good if one team isn't enough! Oh hey, you know Dave Creamer, hottest guy ever? His mom went to Winthrop and she said it was a girls' school. But his cousin went there and it changed to a boys' and girls' school. Could you imagine going to college with all girls? What's the point?"

Pick: Duke

8-California Golden Bears
9-Louisville Cardinals

"I love California! Oh, the Cardinals, weren't they in like the football Super Bowl AND the baseball Super Bowl or whatever? They must be really good. Oh, what am I gonna do? I love California so much!"

Pick (eventually): Louisville

5-Texas A&M Aggies
12-Utah State Aggies

"Haha YAY, the Aggies are going to win! What the heck is an Aggie?! And what's A&M mean? Is it Apples and Macaroni? I don't eat macaroni cuz there's WAY too many carbs! Oh, I bet it's part of the state. It's probably like Animals and Mountains. That reminds me of camping. I hate camping!"

Pick: Utah State

4-Purdue Boilermakers
13-Siena Saints

"Boilermakers? Ewww, weird. Saints is much sweeter. OH, remember All Saints? I loved them! 'Never ever have I had to find...something-something', I forget the words now but that song was so great! Isn't Siena a minivan? They have these new commercials that are SO funny! Mommy like. Me too!"

Pick: Siena

6-Notre Dame Fighting Irish
11-Old Dominion Monarchs

"I'M IRISH, YAY!!! Well, I'm like half Irish. Well, I think my mom might be half Irish and my dad is like a quarter Irish. So I guess I'm three-quarters Irish and that's a lot! Have you seen Rudy? I cried in that movie! That was about Notre Dame right? Is it Noter Dame or Notra Dame? I never know how to say it! I love them!"

Pick: Notre Dame

3-Baylor Bears
14-Sam Houston State Bearkats

"Is Sam Houston a person? How does he get a college named after him? Oh, maybe it's like Samantha Houston. I hope so! I want a college named after me! I think a lot of people would go to Laci Underwood-Adams University! Go L.U.A.U.! Whoa, Luau! Everybody would want to go there! Hey, didn't they spell Kats wrong? There's two T's, right? Sam Houston is a moron!"

Pick: Baylor

7-Richmond Spiders
10-Saint Mary's Gaels

"YUCK, I hate spiders! One time my little brother put a spider in my shoe and I stepped on it and got spider guts inside and I was all 'SICK' and he was all 'haha' and I was all 'you are such a jerk!' and he was all 'I'm sorry Lace' and I was all 'it's okay, I still love you Bobo'. His name is really Jerry but we always call him Bobo. I don't know why!"

Pick: Saint Mary's

2-Villanova Wildcats
15-Robert Morris Colonials

"Oh my gosh, there's another guy who has his own college! I bet they call him Bob though. It's Bob Morris probably. Yay, we were the Wildcats in high school when I was a cheerleader! GOOOOO WILDCATS!"

Pick: Villanova

You now have your opening round picks. Stay tuned for more...

The Best Bracket Ever, Part 3

Laci is a hair-stylist and she knows nothing about basketball. As you all know, however, she will somehow find a way to win her March Madness pool, much to the dismay of her friends who saw her as "easy money" coming into the competition. You've seen the Midwest and West Brackets; here is the East Bracket.

1-Kentucky Wildcats
16-East Tennessee State Buccaneers

"That name is super long. I don't even know what half of these mascots are! What's a buccaneer?! I know what a wildcat is."

Pick: Kentucky

8-Texas Longhorns
9-Wake Forest Demon Deacons

"Have you ever seen how big Texas is on a map? It has a cool shape. Is the other school really a forest? Don't they have deacons in church and stuff? My best friend Ashley's dad is a deacon I think. Eww, he's not a demon though. That's scary!"

Pick: Texas

5-Temple Owls
12-Cornell Big Red

"How many of these schools have colors for their mascots? Big Red is gum, right? I love Big Red! Owls? They sound wise. Wise people are bad at basketball I bet. They should be in a contest for computers or something."

Pick: Cornell

4-Wisconsin Badgers
13-Wofford Terriers

"I've never heard of Wofford. Is that how you say that? Badgers are mean and I bet they are good at basketball! Hey, is Wisconsin the place where all the cheese comes from? I love cheese! Winnerrrr!

Pick: Wisconsin

6-Marquette Golden Eagles
11-Washington Huskies

"Husky guys aren't supposed to be good basketball players. Is Washington a state AND a city? That's so confusing! I'll pick Mar...queet...how do you say that?"

Pick: Marquette

3-New Mexico Lobos
14-Montana Grizzlies

"Yay, I love the Grizzlies! They're the best at everything, like ever! Oh my gosh, go Griz!"

Pick: Montana

7-Clemson Tigers
10-Missouri Tigers

"WHOA TIGER!!! HAHAHAHA!!! They're all Tigers! Does that mean they both win? Let's see on the picture. Clemson's Tigers are orange and Missouri's Tigers are yellow. Aren't tigers more orange? Orange Tigers win!"

Pick: Clemson

2-West Virginia Mountaineers
15-Morgan State Bears

"So West Virginia is a state? Or is it a place in regular Virginia? What is a Mountaineer? Is it like a Buccaneer? What's up with all the Ears? How does that make a team good? Morgan State...oh, my ex was making out with some girl named Morgan in High School. Remember that? I hate Morgan, even though she's super pretty."

Pick: West Virginia

The Best Bracket Ever, Part 2

This is the second in a series of how Laci, the hair-stylist, will once again win her March Madness pool.

West Bracket:

1-Syracuse Orange
16-Vermont Catamounts

"Is their mascot seriously a color? I don't know what a Catamount is. I've never been to Vermont but I knew a girl in college from there and she was an idiot. I don't know what to do! I guess that number 1 means they're pretty good. Whatever."

Pick: Syracuse

8-Gonzaga Bulldogs
9-Florida State Seminoles

"OH...MY...GOSH!!! I want an English Bulldog so bad I can't stand it! Like, seriously, I don't know if I can live another day without one!"

Pick: Gonzaga

5-Butler Bulldogs
12-UTEP Miners

"Haha yay, more bulldogs! What does UTEP mean? Is that a word? Maybe it's a state I've never heard of yet. Miners...I guess that means they're younger, so they must be better. Awww, I guess all the Bulldogs can't win."

Pick: UTEP

4-Vanderbilt Commodores
13-Murray State Racers

"Racers? That's funny! I like saying Vanderbilt. It sounds so important. Vanderbilt. Vannnnderbilt. Bilt. Vanderbilt. Van- ok sorry."

Pick: Vanderbilt

6-Xavier Musketeers
11-Minnesota Golden Gophers

"How do you say that word? It starts with an X, is that weird? I bet they spelled it wrong. I got sick from eating 3 Musketeers on Halloween when I was like five years old and I threw up on my mom's white tiger blanket. I feel so bad STILL! But she was all 'I still love you Lace'. My mom is the sweetest! Gophers are sooo cute!"

Pick: Minnesota

3-Pittsburgh Panthers
14-Oakland Golden Grizzlies

"Is that the same school as the Oakland Raiders? My neighbor likes the Raiders and he can't read and he's got a jacked-up truck and he hits his wife. Pittsburgh...like the Steelers? Oh my gosh, I was just in a club a few weeks ago and I saw like their quarterback or whatever! His name was Ben! And he had sex with all these girls and then hit them on the head! I was super pumped to meet somebody famous!"

Pick: Pittsburgh

7-BYU Cougars
10-Florida Gators

"Ugh, more Cougars? Isn't BYU all Mormons? I bet Mormons are bad basketball players. Oh, I love Florida! It's like ALL beaches! That's in the corner of the country, right?"

Pick: Florida

2-Kansas State Wildcats
15-North Texas Mean Green

"Hahahahaha Mean Green? That is SOOOO funny! They shouldn't win if they're mean. I like nice teams! Wait, I thought I already said Kansas was going to win! Maybe not. Oh well."

Pick: Kansas State

The Best Bracket Ever, Part 1

This is my favorite time of year. Birds are starting to chirp again and new grass is beginning to sprout up as the last of the snow melts. That stuff is all great, but it's hardly why I love this time of year. I'm excited because it's time for March Madness. I love college basketball, and it culminates in the Big Dance, which is one of the greatest traditions in all of sports.

Everybody participates in their office pool or some group on Facebook. And for somebody who watches basketball all season long and keeps up with the teams, I should have a distinct advantage over all the other weekend warriors in the pool, right? Wrong.

We all know somebody who, although they have no idea what they're doing, wins their bracket competition and leaves the actual basketball fans swearing and foaming at the mouth like they must have cheated the system. So after years of frustration, I'm going to enter the mind of Laci, the hair-stylist from the downtown salon who has won every bracket challenge she's ever entered. This is my strategy. Steal my picks if you want to, but you saw it here first.

The Midwest bracket:

1-Kansas Jayhawks
16-Lehigh Mountain Hawks

"They're both hawks? That's stupid. My favorite bartender is named Jay, and I like the beach, not the mountains."

Pick: Kansas

8-UNLV Runnin' Rebels
9-Northern Iowa Panthers

"UNLV is from Las Vegas? Oh my gosh I love Las Vegas SOOO much! I like saying 'Vegas Baby' because I sound super awesome when I put baby on there! I stayed at the Bellagio one time and I met this guy...never mind."

Pick: UNLV

5-Michigan State Spartans
12-New Mexico State Aggies

"Uh, hello, Mexico is NOT a state, it's a country! And why is there a new one? That's so stupid. Michigan State all the way!"

Pick: Michigan State

4-Maryland Terrapins
13-Houston Cougars

"Why are guys all like obsessed with cougars now? Uh, hello, they're just old women. Plus I love my aunt Mary."

Pick: Maryland

6-Tennessee Volunteers
11-San Diego State Aztecs

"Are they seriously just like volunteer basketball players? That's so sweet! I volunteered once for Habitat for Humanity and I hit my finger with a hammer so I just like talked to people the rest of the time. Gosh, I love, love, LOVE San Diego! My friend Stacey knows some people with a condo in La Jolla and it's sooo beautiful!"

Pick: San Diego State

3-Georgetown Hoyas
14-Ohio Bobcats

"Oh my gosh, Hoyas! Just like La Jolla! Winner!"

Pick: Georgetown

7-Oklahoma State Cowboys
10-Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

"My best guy friend Paul loves Georgia Tech. He's so sweet...he always brings me lunch at work. Plus I just got a new yellow jacket and it is so stinkin' cute!"

Pick: Georgia Tech

2-Ohio State Buckeyes
15-UC Santa Barbara Gauchos

"I saw Ohio State play a football game one time and they are so awesome!



Pick: Ohio State