Sunday, April 11, 2010

You're bad at Facebook. Here's how to be worse.

In today's culture, trends don't last as long as fresh fruit. You better jump on the bandwagon quickly, otherwise you'll almost certainly miss it. By these standards, Facebook is really old. What was once such a great social tool has become something many of us hate, but can't quite bring ourselves to get rid of.

Facebook itself hasn't done anything to get worse, but now that seemingly every person on Earth has a page and can share their boring life with the rest of us, it's become terribly annoying. If you have a Facebook page, it's your fault.  You have screwed this up for me.  I know I could just quit Facebook altogether and never have to worry about this, but I'm not willing to do that just yet.

So I'm going to give you some pointers on how to make me hate Facebook so much that maybe I'll finally just be able to quit entirely.

Status Updates

Updating your status is an excellent way to get the word out about something or just call attention to yourself.  There are a lot of ways to do this poorly.  Unfortunately this is what everybody sees when they check their own Facebook page.  Avoiding this entirely is tough.  Many people over-share, while others under-share while still giving frequent updates.  Either way, make sure you use poor grammar and use as little punctuation as possible.

We all know somebody who posts about once an hour what they're doing.  I can't imagine anybody who is cool enough to have anybody care what they're doing every waking hour.  But we've all seen it.

"Buzz Quimby is eating at Subway again lol"

"Buzz Quimby just saw a cloud that looks like a sloppy joe"

"Buzz Quimby is watching Rugrats LOL"

You know what I'm talking about.

Under-sharing could be a great thing, especially when you have a few friends that over-share.  But these are still putting themselves out there.  Facebook should be renamed "Vaguebook" for these people.

"Trixi Stickley is over it"

"Trixi Stickley is wondering..."

"Trixi Stickley is thinking about somebody ;)"

Clearly the motive here is to have people comment and say "Tell us more, Trixi!"  Thankfully there's a quick and easy way to delete friends for those of us who really don't care.

Another thing you need to start doing is telling me just how drunk you got last night (or are now).  It's one thing if you're in college or maybe a couple years out, but for most of the rest of us, we should probably keep some things to ourselves.

Wall Posts

This is a good way to quickly contact a friend without having to commit to an hours-long phone call because you haven't talked to them in several years.  Again, there are lots of ways to get my eyes rolling, so keep these things up.

If you like something, you can only truly show your affection for it by saying "love" three times in a row.  "OMG I love, love, love your new Crocs they are so pretty and green and plastic yay lolz!"

And if you miss someone, admit it--you don't really miss them, you miss their face.  So tell them like it is.  "I miss ur face call me soon puh-leeeeeeazzzzzzzzze!"


Facebook is a great way for us to show photos that are important to us.  Years ago, people carried pictures in their wallet.  Now we can show pictures of our families to everyone via Facebook, but let's face it, we just want to show pictures of ourselves.  Here are some things to make sure you do next time you post pictures.

Flex your muscles in the bathroom mirror.

Give gang signs.  This includes the scissors, or sideways peace sign, the West-Side "W", and the rocker.  This is super-awesome.

Ladies, make that kissing face.  Guys see "she wants to make out with me", but you're just thinking "my cheeks don't look as fat when I do this."

Also, take the strategic self-portrait from up above.  For some reason you never see girls in turtlenecks taking this photo.  Oddly enough, it's only done while wearing a low-cut shirt.  The view of Cleveland is always best from up above, if you know what I mean.

Post every picture from your latest outing.  And I mean every one.  Even if you have 23 pictures in a row of the same thing, post them all.  And let us see the blurry ones too.  Those are the best ones.


I'm only on Facebook so I can see how you're doing on Farmville or Mafia Wars.  Your page should look like a trophy case.  I want to know everything that's happening in your life of virtual organized-crime.  Please invite me to play your game with you every chance you get.

Fan Pages

Facebook is a great way to show the world what you're interested in.  You can "become a fan" of certain things.  You can show people you're a fan of a restaurant or a band or a university.  But what's really nice is that you can become a fan of things like "Texting the person next to you stuff you can't say out loud" or "Texting while laying down on your back and dropping your phone on your face".

Quite a few people are only on Facebook so that they can promote their business.  I understand that and don't have a problem with it.  But if I'm going to hate Facebook forever, you need to keep asking me over and over to become a fan of your business, even after I've rejected the request multiple times.  Now that I think about it, ever since you got an expensive camera, you're a tremendous artist, and I want to show the world that I support your photography business.


I'm sure I do plenty on Facebok that people hate.  There's nothing worse than somebody who tells their friends to go see their blog or look at pictures of their new nephew.  If you don't like me anyway, I guess you don't care about those things.  If that's the case, you have my permission to delete me from your list.

This is all my fault.  Being on Facebook for a few years has made me irritable.  I, like most other ornery people, don't like change very much.  But I'd like to know if I'm all alone here.  Let me know what bugs you about Facebook, and maybe I'll have to issue an updated version.


  1. I know there are people who hate the games Dave,but to be honest it is the reason I joined to have some fun with my mom and my sister. When people accept a friend request or make one they have to be prepared to have to hide some applications that some other people come with.It is like accepting friends with baggage,we all have some, do you love me anyway?

  2. I love love love this...oh wait, that is on your 'no no' list.

    I just read the parts that made me laugh out loud to Gordy - but unfortunately - it is lost on he doesn't have a face book. I won't show him how to make a profile. I way too afraid of what he will post online.

    On my friends list, I have 2 people who are family to each other and live in the same town...and write full conversations to each other all day long...just pick up a phone already! Wait - they probably do all that updating from their phones. Heavy sigh.

    Good stuff ~

  3. I just had sloppy joes for dinner.

    You crack me up Dave

  4. I'm going to assume you don't hate it when I let you know that we have updated our blog. i love you like a fat kid loves cake.

  5. Dave, what about friend request from someone you have not talked to in 10 years and they do not include any type of note or email. If you send me a friend request there better be something more than just "hello, its been a long time". I mean really.


  6. Sorry. I feel like I've violated all of your rules. From this day forward, I will not love, love, love anything, nor will I update my status more than once a week. And I'll quit posting pictures of Elsie with me or Chris flexing or fish-facing in the background. Busted.

  7. You little blogger. I just can't resist when I see you have written something new. I always laugh and I always see your wonderfully valid points and then think....wait, I've done that. Dang! Failsauce on my part.
    Keep up the good work, but please don't hate me because my life is boring and I have nothing really cool to update anyone on besides my kids and that maybe I got to leave the house today. Ha Ha! Facebook is my link to the world at this time. Sad I know, but very true and has helped me keep my sanity when I thought I would surely loose it.
    PS: Don't quit facebooking because I would miss you and your wittiness.

  8. Great comments here...Anonymous, I don't know who you are, so I just might not love you.
    Jeramy, keep the updates coming.
    Berni, I'd love to see what Gordy would have to say on FB.
    Brooke, I didn't know people actually ate sloppy joes after elementary school lunch. Awesome!
    Allison, I don't think you've violated anything. At least I haven't noticed if you have.
    Courtney, Great point. I am guilty of that too, although I do think a person should get about a two-week grace period before they get in trouble.
    Nicole, I could never hate you. I'm sure your life is a thrill a minute!

  9. These are great, but you forgot the love letter, back-and-forth foreplay that you undoubtedly encouter on a dad to day basis.

    Erin: hey bAby im on the phone with u right now and im writing on ur wall~! luv u baby!

    Blake: hah baby thats funny i luv u 2 can't wait to c u this weekend. luv u baby.

    Erin: <3 !~~!!!!!! im so excited! :)

    Blake: me 2 baby i'm so madly in luv with u and just want everyone 2 know! luv u

    Why would anyone ever write this in public? Nothing says "Kill Me Now" like this sort of message. It makes me want to gently place my face into the woodchipper in my back yard.

  10. SW, that's amazing. Seriously, that's terrible, and I'm glad I haven't seen anything quite like that. Maybe I'm just not looking close enough, and I'd say that's a good thing.

  11. I have a few fb friends that update constantly- totally embarrassing, TMI things and they don't talk AT ALL in person, nor can they even make eye contact. I know everything about their awkward lives (and I do mean everything) and yet they can't even muster a hello.

    Its not normal.

    All I can think when I see this one guy at church is the mushy country lyrics he posts at least once a day, or for example things like:
    "I was just getting some lunch and some girl was flirting with me, I really didn't know how to react. But she wasn't my type so it didn't really matter anyway."
    2 hours ago