Yep, Soccer's Still Boring

When I got home from work, I turned on the TV to see highlights of the World Cup.  The World Cup is great, because I'm a sucker for international competition.  It's like the Olympics plus the Super Bowl--make that the Olympics times the Super Bowl--all rolled into one month-long tournament.  Americans seem as excited as ever about this year's Cup, but it doesn't even begin to compare to how much the rest of the World is losing its mind over the most popular game on the planet.

But as I watch the highlights of today's games, I'm struck by just how boring this sport really is to me.  Soccer fans, I know you're already mad at me.  You're saying, "Dave, you just don't understand soccer!" and "It's the most popular game in the World, how is that boring?"  Well, buckle up, because I'm going to tell you why I'm not wrong.  Write about why you're not wrong in your own blog.  Or just wait until the World Cup is over, because you know most of you are only soccer fans when the rest of the country starts to care about it.  You're like Michael Jackson fans; nobody had cared about him since 1995 until he died.

In two games today, there were two goals scored.  Total.  Those were the big highlights.  But we also sat on the edge  of our seats when one guy hit a post with his shot, and another one got a red card.  I understand soccer just enough.  I grew up playing soccer, plus I understand hockey and basketball, and the concepts are pretty much the same.  You push up or your press or you forecheck.  You draw the defense in, you go aggressively to the goal or to the basket.  But a soccer field (I don't want to call it a pitch) is bigger than a football field, and so it takes forever for plays to develop.  It's a fun game to play, but then again, so is every other sport I've ever played.

And don't get me wrong, I can appreciate how athletic soccer players are.  They have to be fit, and their balance and coordination have to be incredible.  Add to that that they can't touch the ball with their hands, and it makes for quite a challenging sport, but just because something is hard doesn't mean it's exciting to watch.  The Sunday Crossword puzzle is tough, but nobody wants to watch somebody work on it.

Is there a sport in America that more kids play than soccer?  We all play it, then when we turn eight and discover baseball and football, we quit.  Is that because we don't understand soccer?  We don't understand baseball or football when we start, but most of us would rather play them.  Hockey isn't a popular sport in most of this country like it is in Canada, but I'd argue that's because we don't grow up playing hockey.  Find somebody who has played hockey who doesn't still like it.  Hockey is fun to play and it's fun to watch.  There's a little more scoring usually, because there are a lot more scoring opportunities.  It moves faster.  Plus there are fights.

The biggest argument I always hear from soccer fans is the one about it being the World's favorite sport.  Have you ever considered the fact that the rest of the World likes soccer because they didn't know about baseball and football when they turned eight?  Or maybe they're all smarter than us.  Maybe Americans are too dumb to understand soccer.  

This is one dumb American who will be a big soccer fan as long as the American team is still alive, and significantly less of one for the rest of the Cup after we get eliminated.  I'll still be interested, because of the spectacle of it all.  One thing I can't argue with is the passion of the fans.  We have nothing that compares.  Sure, we have some pretty nutty football and basketball fans, but that's limited to certain places.  Soccer fans are crazy everywhere, and those things that sound like bee hives are pretty cool too.  If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch a game this weekend.  You'll see.

The LOST Conspiracy

There is one TV show I have to watch every single week.  I've never missed an episode, and if it takes me more than 24 hours to catch up on my DVR, I might go nuts.  I got hooked on LOST a few years ago, because I got tricked into thinking it was about survival, but now I know I'm just one of millions of people who are being laughed at by the creators of this show.

In its first couple of seasons, LOST showed us a few glimpses of odd things that just didn't make sense, but ever since then it's gotten progressively weirder.  For the last few years, I've resisted admitting that one of my favorite shows was Science Fiction.  But now I can't help but admit it.

I don't like Science Fiction.  I like shows/movies/books that can be explained by logic, or at least humor.  Similarly, I don't like Romantic Comedies, as they lack both of those elements, but I digress.  If you like Sci-Fi, you should like LOST.  If you don't, but like LOST anyway, you need to come to the realization, like I did, that LOST is an elaborate attempt to turn normal people like you and me into Sci-Fi fans.  It's a conspiracy.  I don't like it one bit, and you shouldn't either.  Start chain emails, and make sure your parents are on them.  They love emails about conspiracies, so this will turbo-charge our message.

If you are a Sci-Fi fan, please don't take this personally.  I'm not saying I'm any better than you, just considerably less of a dork.  And that should be okay.

Back to LOST.  There's little argument that it's a Science-Fiction show.  It has a black smoke monster, uncontrolled time travel, alternate realities, and (mostly) beautiful people who can't act.  If they had told us a few years back that these were major parts of the show, nobody would have watched.  For three years, we thought it was all about the Oceanic 815 survivors and The Others.  We were duped.

Go back and watch a few episodes in Seasons Two or Three.  Knowing what you know now, was there any relevance to these?  Sure, there were key points that needed to be made, but each season could have easily been two or three hours long until the last two.  LOST's creators sent us on a four-year wild-goose-chase.  Do you know what it's like to be tricked and taken advantage of?  I don't like it...and there's nothing I can do about it.  There's nothing I can do, because I'm hooked.

Some people have expressed their dismay over the fact that LOST will be over soon.  I, for one, can't wait.  It's like I'm suffering from an addiction.  Addicts get to the point where they no longer love that to which they are addicted.  They can't wait for it to be out of their lives forever, but they also can't wait for their next fix.  It's not a drug that satisfies me, it's answers.  I watch LOST because I want to be done with it.  I hate LOST and the control it has over my life.

What do you love about LOST?  Do you love the mystery, or do you love something else about it?  Maybe you love Sawyer's clever little one-liners.  Maybe you love the way Hurley says "Dude" and "like" more than any real human ever has.  Or maybe you love the over-dramatic acting or music.  My guess is you're in it for the mystery.  So don't be sad when LOST is over.  We can happily bury this awful show and hopefully never be hoodwinked again.

Update from the Sick Bed

Every four years or so, whether I need to or not, I get sick.  It's the kind of sick that starts out feeling like allergies, then ends up feeling like I was the slowest guy at the Running of the Bulls.  Right about now, I can feel the bulls' breath on my back, and I'm slowing down.  I've been going non-stop for a couple weeks now, and my body is finally pushing back.

As you know, I'm a bachelor.  What that means is that everybody in the world figures they know infinitely more about dealing with sickness than I do.  I know to take Airborne, drink lots of fluids, get plenty of rest, and...well, I guess that's about all I know.  Maybe everybody is right.

I have a fever, and that's somewhat disturbing.  It's disturbing because I checked my temperature with a meat thermometer (orally, of course).  Perhaps the most troubling part of that is that my temperature was 89.1 degrees.  I figured my temperature wasn't actually that low, and my hunch was confirmed when I purchased an actual thermometer at Walgreen's.  But I got worried about my meat thermometer.  When your meat thermometer is almost 13 degrees low, you stand a pretty good chance of dying from salmonella.  Then I was further troubled that I was more concerned over the temperature of chicken than I was about my own body's temperature.  But I shouldn't be surprised.

Being somewhat of a moron about these things, one of my strongest lines of defense against a cold is the cough drop.  A cough drop lasts no more than 10 minutes, but if you're asleep, they could last until the end of time.  I always get nervous that I'm going to choke on my cough drop and die before I even wake up.  So when I have a cough drop in, my sleep is kind of tentative.  I took a nap yesterday and was having a dream that my tooth was falling out, so naturally I tried to chew it up.  I awoke in a panic to find myself viciously chomping on my cough drop.  I wasn't that scared though, because I was being protected by LeBron James, Britney Spears, and their army of sword-fighting horse-dragons.  As if my dreams weren't weird enough already, I have to go and add medication.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do.  Maybe I'll see a doctor, but I can't remember the last time I saw a doctor for being sick...I think I was actually in college.  I have Advil Cold & Sinus and that's helping some.  I would make chicken noodle soup, but I'm not sure my new thermometer will work for chicken, and I sure don't trust my meat thermometer anymore.

Why GM Shouldn't have Gotten Bailout Money

Quick question for you:  What's the difference between Dave Creamer and a Chevy Cobalt?

Answer:  One is about 265 pounds, slow and ugly.  The other one is writing this blog.

I'm on the road for work right now, and I have a rental car.  In case you don't know, I work for a non-profit (we do lots of great things for kids, you should give us money...ask me how.  Thanks for reading), so I'm very budget-conscious in both my personal and professional life.  So when I needed a rental car to drive to Helena, I thought I would try the "Intermediate" class at Enterprise.

I got nervous when I walked into Enterprise and the manager, Doc, said, "Hey Luke, does the Cobalt have a full tank?"

Oh crap, I thought.  First of all, I knew what a Cobalt was, and I knew I wasn't going to fit very comfortably. Second, he said "THE Cobalt", as if it was their cute little mascot.  It makes me think it has been sitting there for a few years.

Luke responded with a confused look on his face.  "I don't know, why?"

Oh crap.  I said, "you don't have anything bigger, do you?"

Being asked two questions at virtually the same time, Doc politely said, "Just go make sure it's full and bring it around front".  Without a pause, he turned to me and said "Dude, you know I always upgrade you for free, but this is all I've got".

I had noticed that there were no other cars of any size on the lot when I pulled up, so there wasn't much to say.  I would take the car and be happy.  Before I even got in, I could tell that Snoop Dogg and a skunk shared the car last.  I think we all know that skunk-smoking-pot smell.  I was in for a long day.

I guess I assumed "Intermediate" and "Mid-size" were the same thing.  They both kind of mean middle, right?  Apparently not.  Size-wise, it's much smaller than what I would consider intermediate.  I can't believe people drive cars smaller than this.  And they do, because there are still economy AND compact cars that are apparently smaller.  I'm not sure I understand.

If you've never seen a Chevy Cobalt, I'll let you know what it looks like.  Take a permanent marker and draw four tires on a peanut M&M, then imagine it was just a tiny bit bigger.  Then imagine it's being driven by a guy who is almost the same size.  I'm like the peanut.

But even as uncomfortable as the size was for me, I was mostly blown away by the lack of features available on this particular vehicle.  I didn't think they made junk like this anymore.  I don't know the last time I had to manually roll a window up and down.  And you wouldn't believe how inconvenient it is to lock four doors one at a time.  I got out of the car and tried to lock it with the remote, which did not exist.  Then I opened the door and tried to push a button to lock them.  No dice.  Like a Neanderthal, I had to literally get back in the car and reach around to every door and lock them all.  Somebody needs to tell kids these days that this is how their ancestors had to lock their doors.  That's way worse than walking 10 miles to school in the snow, uphill both ways.  And don't get me started on unlocking!  I actually couldn't remember how to unlock a door without a remote for a second.

I understand they're trying to keep the car cheap, but I've never owned a car all that nice, and at least they have cruise control and power windows.  How much could that cost?  And is it that expensive of a feature to have blinkers that turn off after you make a turn?  I had to manually adjust the passenger-side mirror, but at least that was within easy reach from the driver's side.

Nice work, Chevrolet.  No wonder you needed government money.  That was a big mistake, and if you don't believe me, go drive a Cobalt.

Words cannot describe, but youtube can

I recently wrote about infomercials on this blog (read it again here).  There are a lot of great things about watching infomercials, but without question, the best part is when they show the poor idiots who desperately need the products they're about to introduce.  From milk spilled all over the kitchen to violent and sudden backaches, we all have these catastrophic events that ruin our lives.

This video montage of the best images from humanity's most helpless is a highlight reel of laughs.  This is what I was trying to write about in the blog, but the video clip does it way more justice.  I hope you feel better about yourself after watching it.  It's therapeutic, like going to WalMart.

More Workout Etiquette

A couple of months ago, I wrote about how I'd like to see things go at the gym. Among other things, I wanted people to dress appropriately (especially depending on their age and physical condition), to be clean when they go work out, and not to talk to me. I got some great feedback and saw a little bit more myself, so here's Volume 2. You can read the first one here.


I was at the gym yesterday and saw something I thought just wasn't really happening.  The weather has been great, so most of my town must be working out outside...or maybe just drinking on somebody's patio.  But there was a girl who came in and got set up on an elliptical machine.  She was wearing all velour and had beautiful blond hair with the roots dyed black.  She sat on the floor for a moment before she boarded the machine, and when she got to her feet, she had her laptop in hand.  She placed it on the magazine holder and walked for a few minutes.  I figured she was just reading a website, so I didn't think much of it.


But when she got off the elliptical and carried her computer to every other machine she used, I started thinking she might not be all there.  As I got closer, I saw that she was in the middle of a video chat with her boyfriend...or at least I'm assuming he's her boyfriend.  Even when she was on the leg press machine, she held the computer so the webcam was facing her and this guy could watch her go up and down.  I thought about just walking over and kissing her right in front of the webcam, but I kept thinking of reasons that was a terrible idea...and none of them included that such an act would be mean.  I dated a girl once who needed that kind of attention.  For about a minute.


Video chatting is not something I would have ever thought needed to be banned from the gym.  It's like saying you can't bring a rhinoceros with you on a roller coaster.  You just can't think of everything, nor should you need to.


Here are some additions a few people made to my list of do's and don't's for the gym:


Shani said:  "no farting at the gym...there's little worse than being nasally assaulted while breathing hard...My gym has a 'no cellphones' sign, they should have a 'no farting' sign too."  I only toot privately, thank you very much.  My conscience is clear.


Cory said:  "No one cares you are about to set your own PR of 385 on the bench.  Please do not walk around the gym slapping yourself in the face and psyching yourself up before the attempt."  Seriously.


Jill doesn't want you "sitting on the weight machine for 10 minutes trying to work up the strength to do another set."  And neither do I.


And finally, Rachael reminded me that I completely forgot about locker room etiquette.  "Even though it is acceptable to be completely nude, DO NOT bend over and show everyone your goods...from both sides."  I know how bad that is in the men's locker room.  I can only imagine how bad it could be next door.


Rachael's comment reminded me that I've always been troubled by the (usually quite old) men who sit on the furniture completely naked for long periods of time (or any period of time, for that matter), watching TV.  Fortunately my gym now has brown pleather chairs that can be wiped down and disinfected, but I'm not taking any chances.


And I hate to mention this last point, because the guy who violates this is much larger than I am.  But he probably can't read anyway, so I'm good.  If you can leg press over 1300 pounds, you might as well stop lifting.  You probably can't wear pants other than your sweet Zubaz, so let's quit.  What bugs me about it, besides him telling everybody around what he's doing, is that he has just about every free weight in the room on the machine so he can get the weight he needs.  Now I'm loading 20 of the five-pound weights on each end of the bar for my bench-press, and people are looking at me like I'm the idiot.


Oh well, I guess if people weren't doing these things, I wouldn't have anything to complain about.  

Pack your bags, kids! We're taking a vacation to a field!

We all have at least a couple of locales in mind for where we'd like to take our ultimate vacation.  For me it starts with Europe and South America, then I can tone it down depending on how much I'm willing (or able) to spend.  When money is a little tighter, maybe I'll go see family in Georgia and the Carolinas, or friends in Arizona, or maybe I'd even stay here in Montana and see more of Yellowstone or Glacier Parks.  There are plenty of great places to see here in the U.S.  One thing that should be noted, however, is that not all places here on the Mainland are worth the effort.

As much as I hate to admit it, I agree with Joakim Noah.  Noah plays for the Chicago Bulls, and they are playing the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA playoffs.  In a pre-game interview, he said Cleveland "really sucks", to which the residents of Cleveland responded with respectful disagreement.  I'm only saying it was respectful because they didn't kill him.  Then after the game, he didn't back down from his comments, basically asking people if they had ever planned a vacation to Cleveland.  I can't imagine even the Mayor of Cleveland listening to that interview and saying anything other than "you know, the big ugly guy has a good point".

That all happened last night.  Today, I saw an advertisement on Facebook that said "PLAN YOUR ND VACATION".  My first thought was, "surely they don't mean North Dakota.  Maybe they mean New Delhi," I reasoned.  "Or maybe that stands for 'Nebraska Dumpsters'.  Even that makes a little more sense."

But I clicked on the ad, and to my disbelief, it was for the North Dakota Department of Tourism.  That doesn't seem right to me.  Being from a neighboring state, I have never once considered North Dakota a vacation destination.  Idaho, Washington, Wyoming...they're enough like Montana, and maybe you'd want to go there to go whitewater rafting or skiing.  But nobody goes to North Dakota.  You go there when you have to drive to Minnesota, and even then you're trying to get to the other side as quickly as possible.  So the fact that North Dakota even has a Tourism Department just doesn't make sense.  They might as well have a Deep Sea Fishing Department.

I'm not like Joakim Noah;  I don't think North Dakota sucks...necessarily.  I've known a lot of great people from North Dakota.  But beyond that, I'm a little surprised anybody lives there.  Even though I live less than 100 miles from the Canadian border, I've never felt cold like I've felt in North Dakota.  A North Dakota summer is uncomfortably hot, and this is coming from a guy who survived a few summers in Phoenix.  And there are 17 trees in the whole state, so don't go looking for shade.  I won't even talk about the giant mosquitoes or oppressive wind.  Wait, maybe I just did.

So on this website, you can see the attractions to North Dakota.  Both of them.  Surprisingly, they haven't embraced what they're known for.  There's nothing on the site saying "Experience the coldest, strongest wind man has ever known", or "See the longest, straightest, flattest road in the Universe."  There's a plug for their ski hill, which has a vertical drop of 290 feet.  I'm not exaggerating.  Big Sky Resort here in Montana has a vertical drop of 4,350 feet.  That's not a knock against North Dakota, I'm just saying I've seen oceans that aren't as flat as North Dakota.

The website clams that North Dakota was "Named by AAA to be America's Most Affordable Vacation State".  Wow, that's really surprising.  I would have thought camping in the middle of a field and skiing down a 290 foot drop would cost a fortune!  Thanks North Dakota!

So I'd like to officially wish the Director of Tourism for North Dakota the best of luck.  There can't be a tougher job in all the world.