Monday, February 1, 2010

We Don't Need No Stinking Kevin Costner!

Every February, we Montanans start counting down the days and weeks until the weather gets really nice. But this year, even more than I'm looking forward to the green grass and sunshine, I'm looking forward to a movie.

Tonight I saw a trailer for a new Robin Hood movie. When a few of the guys started talking about the movie, I had my doubts. But when they mentioned Robin Hood would be played by Russell Crowe, I became instantly intrigued. Maybe intrigued isn't a good word; I was ecstatic. Two of my top 5 favorite movies (Gladiator, Cinderella Man) are starring Russell Crowe, and I'm thinking he probably hasn't forgotten how to act.

I'm guessing the main reason for my lack of enthusiasm when I first heard about the new Robin Hood film was that the last one (well, besides Men in Tights, which was almost as good as the cartoon for the best Robin Hood depiction yet) starred Kevin Costner. Kevin Costner is a good guy, and has had a handful of good roles in movies. Roles like John Dunbar in Dances with Wolves, Crash Davis in Bull Durham, and Gardner Barnes in Fandango (which happens to be one of the most underrated movies of all time). But really he's screwed up a lot more than he's gotten right.

So as I was watching this trailer, I realized Russell Crowe could work for the rest of his life "fixing" Kevin Costner movies. Granted, Kevin Costner's movies were a good compromise between men and women, because they looked like action or sports movies to appease the men, but they were actually just love stories to keep the ladies satisfied.

But when you put Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott to work together, the outcome is something that gets the testosterone flowing through men's bodies just like Twilight does for estrogen in women. Men watch his movies and start grunting and spitting and cussing and pushing each other around. It's like a hockey fight or a car-chase scene. We were made for this stuff.

So what would it be like if we replaced Costner with Crowe? Imagine a cooler, grittier Waterworld. OK, so that couldn't have been worse if Mr. Bean were the main character...bad example. And how about Tin Cup? OK, strike two, that would have never been made. And I guess we would have never seen movies like Rumor Has It, Message in a Bottle, and The Bodyguard, but most would agree that's a good thing. At the very least, if those movies were never made, I'd be about $50 richer than I am today.

And just imagine how much better Kevin Costner's good movies would have been! The Untouchables, but rougher and tougher? Count me in! And Dances with Wolves would have been called Kills with Wolves: Terror on the Prairies. Or something like that, and I would have it memorized.

Come May 14th we'll all see how good the Robin Hood story could be. We've been tricked for way too many years into thinking that Kevin Costner was anything more than an American Hugh Grant. Robin Hood 2010 will show the world what I'm talking about. And I can't wait.


  1. Ok - first - don't be disrespecting 'The Bodyguard'. Where would be with out Whitney's rousing rendition of 'I Will Always Love You?' A favorite of karoake bars across America?

    Wait - how about if Crowe paired up with Dolly Parton? Then you would mix the manly man from Down Under - with the girly girl from Pigeon Hollow.

    Give that a thought...

  2. Berni, you're making my argument for me. If the highlight of his career is a Whitney Houston song, I'd say it's a profound failure. I don't even think it's as bad as you make it out to be.